To: holdere@usdoj.gov
From: wmdivide@gmail.com
Subject: Required disclosure
Dear US Attorney General Eric Holder:
Congratulations on the recent arrest of a sleeper Russian spy ring. It’s good to know that in the middle of a weak economy, an environmental catastrophe, and two ongoing war efforts, the US government still has the resources and desire to prevent other governments from spying on us. It shows that the government can walk and chew gum at the same time.
I was listening to the BBC the other day when a story about the spy arrest came on. According to the report, the charge that the accused are being held under is “conspiracy to act as an agent of a foreign government without notifying the U.S. Attorney General.” It appears to me that the crime the accused committed was not really spying; it was a failure to notify you.
That is why I am writing you today. I would like to officially notify you that I may conspire to act as an agent for a foreign government. Notice I used the word “may.” I am not currently working as a spy against the US, but I reserve the right to do so in the future. If my unemployment runs out, you best believe I’ll check out the dental plan and 401K that Venezuela and North Korea are offering. I’m not sure what skills or assets a blogger would bring to a foreign government, but I am very good at being incognito. Just ask the guy I bought pot from at Tom McCall Park.
Please keep this email for your records. I would hate to go to jail over my potential new job, as I am generally against anal rape.
Sincerely,
Will Divide
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Craigslist Ad - Free Stuff - Free Cherished Item
I work the checkout at the Safeway. It’s not a bad job, but it doesn’t provide me income to buy many luxuries. When I moved to Portland, among my few meager possessions was an old twin bed. Although I was happy to not have to sleep on the floor, the bed was suboptimal.
When I started dating Karen, we usually ended up back at her place. After a tiff with her roommate, we decided to sleep in my apartment. Sleeping on a twin bed with two adults wasn’t easy. Karen kept needling me to buy a new bed, but I didn’t have money. Luckily, someone in my building was giving away a free double-sized bed. Sure it was old, but at least it could fit two people. Karen was happy with the mattress but unhappy about the lack of “growth” in our relationship and dumped me.
After wallowing for a few months, Jane came into my life. I really liked Jane, and she really liked me. What Jane did not like was the lumpiness of my mattress. I was hoping to buy a new TV to replace my 80s era Zenith, but instead I used my savings to buy a new queen-sized pillow-top. Jane loved sleeping in my new bed. Apparently, she also loved her old boyfriend back home and moved back to Ohio.
I have finally got back on the wagon again and am having great times with my new girlfriend Casey. She’s got looks, brains, personality, and that bit of spunkiness I find so refreshing. She also hates sleeping in my bed, saying that my mattress is too soft.
So please come take my girlfriend Casey off my hands for me. I’m not giving up the mattress, and it’s not as though Casey would stay if I did.
When I started dating Karen, we usually ended up back at her place. After a tiff with her roommate, we decided to sleep in my apartment. Sleeping on a twin bed with two adults wasn’t easy. Karen kept needling me to buy a new bed, but I didn’t have money. Luckily, someone in my building was giving away a free double-sized bed. Sure it was old, but at least it could fit two people. Karen was happy with the mattress but unhappy about the lack of “growth” in our relationship and dumped me.
After wallowing for a few months, Jane came into my life. I really liked Jane, and she really liked me. What Jane did not like was the lumpiness of my mattress. I was hoping to buy a new TV to replace my 80s era Zenith, but instead I used my savings to buy a new queen-sized pillow-top. Jane loved sleeping in my new bed. Apparently, she also loved her old boyfriend back home and moved back to Ohio.
I have finally got back on the wagon again and am having great times with my new girlfriend Casey. She’s got looks, brains, personality, and that bit of spunkiness I find so refreshing. She also hates sleeping in my bed, saying that my mattress is too soft.
So please come take my girlfriend Casey off my hands for me. I’m not giving up the mattress, and it’s not as though Casey would stay if I did.
Monday, June 28, 2010
In Defense of Traditional Marriage
You know what the problem of the Republican Party is? It’s people failing to live up to their convictions. How can you claim high moral ground, Mr. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and then go on secret vacations to see your mistress? Or what about all the so called “fiscal conservative” Republicans that voted for the bank bailout? If you believe in capitalism, then you have to let failing businesses FAIL.
The one that gets me the most lately is everyone going off on “traditional marriage.” Sure, traditional marriage means a man and a woman, so gay marriage and marriage to baboons is out of the question. Still, how can you claim the mantle of traditional marriage when you just had your fourth, Mr. Rush Limbaugh? I don’t see anywhere in history where traditional marriage meant you get the chance to marry someone younger every 10 years or so.
I’m unmarried right now, but I know when I do get married, it will be a traditional marriage. For example, marrying for love doesn’t reflect what marriage was throughout most of human history. When I get married, I’m going to have a local mystic, or “matchmaker” find my bride for me. If I choose the mystic well, I should have a bride who is 14 and a virgin. Also, her parents will accumulate a good portion of their wealth to give to me as a dowry. On our wedding night, the Lord of the kingdom will have the first blood of her virginity before I get my crack. Since there aren’t Lords in American society, I’m thinking of asking the mayor to do it.
Some people like to talk about traditional marriage, but I intend to put my beliefs into practice.
The one that gets me the most lately is everyone going off on “traditional marriage.” Sure, traditional marriage means a man and a woman, so gay marriage and marriage to baboons is out of the question. Still, how can you claim the mantle of traditional marriage when you just had your fourth, Mr. Rush Limbaugh? I don’t see anywhere in history where traditional marriage meant you get the chance to marry someone younger every 10 years or so.
I’m unmarried right now, but I know when I do get married, it will be a traditional marriage. For example, marrying for love doesn’t reflect what marriage was throughout most of human history. When I get married, I’m going to have a local mystic, or “matchmaker” find my bride for me. If I choose the mystic well, I should have a bride who is 14 and a virgin. Also, her parents will accumulate a good portion of their wealth to give to me as a dowry. On our wedding night, the Lord of the kingdom will have the first blood of her virginity before I get my crack. Since there aren’t Lords in American society, I’m thinking of asking the mayor to do it.
Some people like to talk about traditional marriage, but I intend to put my beliefs into practice.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Will Divide Tries to Get in Trouble
Say you have a blog, and you write perverted, disgusting, and preposterous (but compelling) stuff that a few people read. Harmless fun, right? Well, it turns out that some prominent people (or their publicists or employees) have programs that traverse the internet looking for references to themselves. If they find something disagreeable, they (or their lawyers or their military) may take actions to edit or remove the offending information, even if the blog clearly states that it is a work of fiction.
To me, this sounds like a great opportunity for mischief. So today, I am going to attempt to get a bunch of “Cease and Desist” letters. If I’m lucky, I may even end up on a government watch list.
• Here’s a nude picture of ESPN personality Erin Andrews.
• I’m a member of the Earth Liberation Front. Your SUV is merely fodder for my firebomb!
• Michael Jordan once killed a woman in a Tampa hotel. He paid the concierge and bellhop $100,000 apiece to destroy the evidence and keep the secret.
• I’m selling genuine Cuban cigars over the internet.
• My mom thought I was going to summer camp, but it was actually an al Qaeda training facility in Afghanistan. I have the pictures to prove it.
• Rush Limbaugh raped one of my best friends in 2007. She’s willing to tell her story to the police.
• I have Blu-Ray quality copies of Toy Story 3 that I’m selling for $4.
• A Ukrainian syndicate has paid off the referees at the World Cup. Forward me $2000 (€1630), and I will reveal the winners to you.
• Former Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig liked to solicit sex with random men in bathrooms. (Oh wait. That’s true. Never mind.)
To me, this sounds like a great opportunity for mischief. So today, I am going to attempt to get a bunch of “Cease and Desist” letters. If I’m lucky, I may even end up on a government watch list.
• Here’s a nude picture of ESPN personality Erin Andrews.
• I’m a member of the Earth Liberation Front. Your SUV is merely fodder for my firebomb!
• Michael Jordan once killed a woman in a Tampa hotel. He paid the concierge and bellhop $100,000 apiece to destroy the evidence and keep the secret.
• I’m selling genuine Cuban cigars over the internet.
• My mom thought I was going to summer camp, but it was actually an al Qaeda training facility in Afghanistan. I have the pictures to prove it.
• Rush Limbaugh raped one of my best friends in 2007. She’s willing to tell her story to the police.
• I have Blu-Ray quality copies of Toy Story 3 that I’m selling for $4.
• A Ukrainian syndicate has paid off the referees at the World Cup. Forward me $2000 (€1630), and I will reveal the winners to you.
• Former Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig liked to solicit sex with random men in bathrooms. (Oh wait. That’s true. Never mind.)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Happy iPhone Day!
Dear Mr. Jobs,
Congratulations on the launch of the iPhone 4. I am one of the iPhone early adopters, and can’t wait to get my hands on the latest and greatest.
The reviews have me salivating. Perhaps the new feature I’m most excited about is the dual camera designed for video chatting. Short of the flying car, this new feature will move us closest to the future that The Jetsons portended for us.
There is one feature missing from the new iPhone that I find particularly unfortunate. I would like to see the iPhone be water-resistant. You see, playing with my iPhone has supplicated reading the newspaper as my favorite activity when on the toilet. This has caused me to inadvertently destroy a couple of phones.
Back in 2008, I was reading an article on Bush’s handling of the financial crisis. The story got me so angry that I went to slap my forehead, causing me to lose my grip on the phone which promptly found the gap between my thighs. Despite following several tips I found on the internet, the phone was unsalvageable.
Then last year, after a particularly unagreeable dinner, I was playing Hearts on my iPhone. I was ready to shoot the moon, but unfortunately I miscalculated and ended up just short of my goal. In my frustration, I jostled the phone, causing it again to sink among the unspeakable mess I left in the toilet. Knowing my failure at resuscitating my last iPhone, I decided to let this one die at sea, but if it were waterproof, I would have rescued it.
One of the things that makes Apple a great company is that they listen to user feedback. I hope you can use my feedback to make the iPhone even better.
Sincerely,
David Romano
Congratulations on the launch of the iPhone 4. I am one of the iPhone early adopters, and can’t wait to get my hands on the latest and greatest.
The reviews have me salivating. Perhaps the new feature I’m most excited about is the dual camera designed for video chatting. Short of the flying car, this new feature will move us closest to the future that The Jetsons portended for us.
There is one feature missing from the new iPhone that I find particularly unfortunate. I would like to see the iPhone be water-resistant. You see, playing with my iPhone has supplicated reading the newspaper as my favorite activity when on the toilet. This has caused me to inadvertently destroy a couple of phones.
Back in 2008, I was reading an article on Bush’s handling of the financial crisis. The story got me so angry that I went to slap my forehead, causing me to lose my grip on the phone which promptly found the gap between my thighs. Despite following several tips I found on the internet, the phone was unsalvageable.
Then last year, after a particularly unagreeable dinner, I was playing Hearts on my iPhone. I was ready to shoot the moon, but unfortunately I miscalculated and ended up just short of my goal. In my frustration, I jostled the phone, causing it again to sink among the unspeakable mess I left in the toilet. Knowing my failure at resuscitating my last iPhone, I decided to let this one die at sea, but if it were waterproof, I would have rescued it.
One of the things that makes Apple a great company is that they listen to user feedback. I hope you can use my feedback to make the iPhone even better.
Sincerely,
David Romano
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Ballad of Adam Greenberg
Editor’s Note: In a first for Fashionable Amish, the following is a completely true story.
Despite his relatively small stature, Adam Greenberg was a star athlete in high school. He set the Connecticut high school record with most soccer assists in a career. In 1999, he was named the state’s male athlete of the year.
Greenberg attended UNC where he excelled at baseball. After his junior year, his success netted him a place on the ACC All-Conference Team. In 2002, the Chicago Cubs selected him in the 9th round of the amateur draft.
Early in his minor league baseball career, Greenberg put up impressive numbers. As he climbed the minor league ladder and the competition got better, Greenberg experienced his first setbacks as a baseball player. It looked as though Greenberg would suffer the fate of many aspiring Major Leaguers, who, despite showing great promise as an amateur athlete, didn’t have enough talent to cut it in the big leagues.
Then a minor miracle happened. The Cubs needed an outfielder on the major league roster. Although Greenberg’s offensive numbers were not impressive, he was always an exceptional defensive outfielder, and apparently that was good enough for the Cubs. On July 7, 2005, Greenberg was called up to the Major League team for its upcoming series in Miami against the Marlins. Adam’s parents flew down for the big debut.
On July 9th, the Cubs were blowing out the Marlins, so the manager decided to use Greenberg as a pinch-hitter. It was Greenberg’s first Major League action. The first pitch, a 92 MPH fastball, hit him squarely in the back of the helmet, causing him to fall to the ground. Greenberg was removed from the game, suffering a mild concussion and vertigo. He never appeared in a Major League game.
Despite his relatively small stature, Adam Greenberg was a star athlete in high school. He set the Connecticut high school record with most soccer assists in a career. In 1999, he was named the state’s male athlete of the year.
Greenberg attended UNC where he excelled at baseball. After his junior year, his success netted him a place on the ACC All-Conference Team. In 2002, the Chicago Cubs selected him in the 9th round of the amateur draft.
Early in his minor league baseball career, Greenberg put up impressive numbers. As he climbed the minor league ladder and the competition got better, Greenberg experienced his first setbacks as a baseball player. It looked as though Greenberg would suffer the fate of many aspiring Major Leaguers, who, despite showing great promise as an amateur athlete, didn’t have enough talent to cut it in the big leagues.
Then a minor miracle happened. The Cubs needed an outfielder on the major league roster. Although Greenberg’s offensive numbers were not impressive, he was always an exceptional defensive outfielder, and apparently that was good enough for the Cubs. On July 7, 2005, Greenberg was called up to the Major League team for its upcoming series in Miami against the Marlins. Adam’s parents flew down for the big debut.
On July 9th, the Cubs were blowing out the Marlins, so the manager decided to use Greenberg as a pinch-hitter. It was Greenberg’s first Major League action. The first pitch, a 92 MPH fastball, hit him squarely in the back of the helmet, causing him to fall to the ground. Greenberg was removed from the game, suffering a mild concussion and vertigo. He never appeared in a Major League game.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Unlocking the Human Brain, Season 3, Episode 2
On Thursday at 9:00 PM, the Science Channel presents the latest episode of “Unlocking the Human Brain.” The episode follows the curious case of Miriam Rosen, age 41 of Stockton, California. On March 16, 2006, Ms. Rosen was involved in a minor traffic accident. Physicians that examined her that day determined that she was in good health and released her from the hospital the same day.
“Miriam seemed fine after the accident, but after a few days, we noticed that she somehow seemed different,” said David Rosen, Miriam’s husband of 14 years. Previous to the accident, Miriam had been an observant Reformed Jew with a strong belief in God. She regularly attended temple services and acted as a cantor during High Holiday services. After the accident, Miriam lost interest in these activities.
“Other than beauty, art, and love, I find things that lack a ration explanation to be rather foolish,” Miriam stated. “It’s as though a veil has been lifted and I can see things more clearly.” Miriam now spends her time working for secular causes including prevention of child abuse and cutting carbon emissions.
To get an understanding of Miriam’s change in behavior, she was examined by Dr. Stephen Hurst of Oregon Health Sciences University. A CT scan of Miriam’s brain revealed minor damage cerebellum. Dr. Hurst believes that the damaged area of Miriam’s brain may be the “God Complex.”
“After examining Ms. Rosen, I did CT scans of 46 people. In the sample, 11 of the 12 individuals that consider themselves to be atheists had the same diminished section of the cerebellum that Ms. Rosen has.”
Is God real or a construct of the human mind? Find out this Thursday in Unlocking the Human Brain on the Science Channel.
“Miriam seemed fine after the accident, but after a few days, we noticed that she somehow seemed different,” said David Rosen, Miriam’s husband of 14 years. Previous to the accident, Miriam had been an observant Reformed Jew with a strong belief in God. She regularly attended temple services and acted as a cantor during High Holiday services. After the accident, Miriam lost interest in these activities.
“Other than beauty, art, and love, I find things that lack a ration explanation to be rather foolish,” Miriam stated. “It’s as though a veil has been lifted and I can see things more clearly.” Miriam now spends her time working for secular causes including prevention of child abuse and cutting carbon emissions.
To get an understanding of Miriam’s change in behavior, she was examined by Dr. Stephen Hurst of Oregon Health Sciences University. A CT scan of Miriam’s brain revealed minor damage cerebellum. Dr. Hurst believes that the damaged area of Miriam’s brain may be the “God Complex.”
“After examining Ms. Rosen, I did CT scans of 46 people. In the sample, 11 of the 12 individuals that consider themselves to be atheists had the same diminished section of the cerebellum that Ms. Rosen has.”
Is God real or a construct of the human mind? Find out this Thursday in Unlocking the Human Brain on the Science Channel.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Meeting People is Hard
It’s been six months since I moved to Portland for a job. I’d never lived anywhere but Memphis, even getting my degree at the University of Memphis, so, Portland is was like a different world to me.
I’m not a very social person, preferring to spend weekends reading books, but I did have a few close friends in Memphis. I knew it would be difficult to make new friends in a new city, but I didn’t know it would be this hard. My co-workers all seemed nice enough, but they are into things like biking up mountains and playing World of Warcraft. It appeared as though I was doomed to a life of papercuts and pasta for one.
About three months ago, I met Ted at the library. He was friendly and positive and seemed genuinely interested in me. He had an extra ticket for the Blazers game that night and wanted to know if I’d accompany him. I agreed, and we had a great time watching the Blazers beat Toronto. Later that week, Ted and I had dinner at a Thai restaurant that was delicious. I was glad to have Ted in my life.
Ted invited me to a party his friends were throwing. I’m not good in large groups of people, but I had nothing to lose. Everyone at the party was really nice and accommodating. For the first time since I moved to Portland, I felt accepted.
This weekend, I’m going out to a retreat at a farm outside of Estacada with the people from the party. This is apparently a chance to get closed to the deity Maneesh, whose channel is only open when Mars and Jupiter are perfectly aligned. Deep down I know it’s all bullshit, but it beats sitting home alone.
I’m not a very social person, preferring to spend weekends reading books, but I did have a few close friends in Memphis. I knew it would be difficult to make new friends in a new city, but I didn’t know it would be this hard. My co-workers all seemed nice enough, but they are into things like biking up mountains and playing World of Warcraft. It appeared as though I was doomed to a life of papercuts and pasta for one.
About three months ago, I met Ted at the library. He was friendly and positive and seemed genuinely interested in me. He had an extra ticket for the Blazers game that night and wanted to know if I’d accompany him. I agreed, and we had a great time watching the Blazers beat Toronto. Later that week, Ted and I had dinner at a Thai restaurant that was delicious. I was glad to have Ted in my life.
Ted invited me to a party his friends were throwing. I’m not good in large groups of people, but I had nothing to lose. Everyone at the party was really nice and accommodating. For the first time since I moved to Portland, I felt accepted.
This weekend, I’m going out to a retreat at a farm outside of Estacada with the people from the party. This is apparently a chance to get closed to the deity Maneesh, whose channel is only open when Mars and Jupiter are perfectly aligned. Deep down I know it’s all bullshit, but it beats sitting home alone.
Friday, June 18, 2010
The Ring, Part X
Now that the divorce from my husband was finalized, I decided to spend the weekend in a cabin in the middle of nowhere Washington. The cabin was so remote that it couldn’t get a TV signal, but they did have a few video tapes lying about. Rather than watch Ernest Saves Christmas, I decided to pop in the tape with no label.
As the image appeared on the screen, I had a chilling vision. In the movie The Ring, a woman puts on a labelless video that she found at a cabin only to find out she will die in seven days. I was concerned that I was cursed too, until I realized the tape I was watching was a bad porno. I turned the VCR off and opened my book.
Suddenly my cell phone rang. It was my cute, single neighbor Jack asking me out on a date. I had fantasies about Jack, even when married, so I agreed. After returning from the cabin, I went out on the date with Jack, and it was everything I dreamed it would be. Candlelight, wine, conversation, the whole nine yards. After dinner, we went back to his place and had sex that made my toes curl. It had been 18 months since I last had sex. I thought it would take me much longer to get back on the wagon. I’m glad it didn’t.
Is it possible that whoever watches it will get laid in seven days? I lent the tape to my homely friend Bernice, who hasn’t had sex since college. Wouldn’t you know it; she had sex with a guy the next night!
I’m not the type to believe in the supernatural, but if Bernice is getting laid, I should start charging people to view the tape.
As the image appeared on the screen, I had a chilling vision. In the movie The Ring, a woman puts on a labelless video that she found at a cabin only to find out she will die in seven days. I was concerned that I was cursed too, until I realized the tape I was watching was a bad porno. I turned the VCR off and opened my book.
Suddenly my cell phone rang. It was my cute, single neighbor Jack asking me out on a date. I had fantasies about Jack, even when married, so I agreed. After returning from the cabin, I went out on the date with Jack, and it was everything I dreamed it would be. Candlelight, wine, conversation, the whole nine yards. After dinner, we went back to his place and had sex that made my toes curl. It had been 18 months since I last had sex. I thought it would take me much longer to get back on the wagon. I’m glad it didn’t.
Is it possible that whoever watches it will get laid in seven days? I lent the tape to my homely friend Bernice, who hasn’t had sex since college. Wouldn’t you know it; she had sex with a guy the next night!
I’m not the type to believe in the supernatural, but if Bernice is getting laid, I should start charging people to view the tape.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Karaoke Night of Horror
This was easily the most horrific night of my life. Let me set the scene.
It was last Saturday night. Karen and I were at Bruno’s Bar in NE Portland for karaoke night, which we usually do on Saturday nights when we’re not out of town. Despite doing karaoke most weekends, it still takes me a few drinks to work up the courage to sing. Karen does not have this problem, so she had already sang three songs as I was finishing my fourth screwdriver.
A guy who’d never sung karaoke at Bruno’s before stepped up to the microphone to sing Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing. That’s when my slightly inebriated smile turned into a blank stare. I saw this guy’s picture in a Yahoo News story just before coming to the bar. He had just killed his family in Tacoma and is a fugitive! I hurriedly told the bartender who called the police and told the karaoke DJ and bouncer.
The DJ said that they were temporarily suspending karaoke and started playing regular music. This caused a stir among the patrons. Someone from another table overheard Karen and me talk about it, and the rumor about the fugitive murderer in our presence spread quickly through the room. The killer himself even heard the rumor, which caused me to fear for my safety.
Luckily the cops arrived quickly. They looked at the guy’s ID, questioned him for five minutes, shook his hand, and left. How could the cops let this murderer walk? After the police left, the guy approached me and said, “Thanks a lot buddy. I bet everyone looks like a killer when you’re drunk. If I ever see you walking down the street, you should go the other way!”
I’m now afraid to leave the house.
It was last Saturday night. Karen and I were at Bruno’s Bar in NE Portland for karaoke night, which we usually do on Saturday nights when we’re not out of town. Despite doing karaoke most weekends, it still takes me a few drinks to work up the courage to sing. Karen does not have this problem, so she had already sang three songs as I was finishing my fourth screwdriver.
A guy who’d never sung karaoke at Bruno’s before stepped up to the microphone to sing Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing. That’s when my slightly inebriated smile turned into a blank stare. I saw this guy’s picture in a Yahoo News story just before coming to the bar. He had just killed his family in Tacoma and is a fugitive! I hurriedly told the bartender who called the police and told the karaoke DJ and bouncer.
The DJ said that they were temporarily suspending karaoke and started playing regular music. This caused a stir among the patrons. Someone from another table overheard Karen and me talk about it, and the rumor about the fugitive murderer in our presence spread quickly through the room. The killer himself even heard the rumor, which caused me to fear for my safety.
Luckily the cops arrived quickly. They looked at the guy’s ID, questioned him for five minutes, shook his hand, and left. How could the cops let this murderer walk? After the police left, the guy approached me and said, “Thanks a lot buddy. I bet everyone looks like a killer when you’re drunk. If I ever see you walking down the street, you should go the other way!”
I’m now afraid to leave the house.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Found in My Spam Folder IV
The FDA recently announced that the latest attempt to make “female Viagra” failed. Apparently, altering brain chemistry is as effective at increasing women’s sex drive as repeatedly pleading “c’mon!”
Studies have shown that as many as four in 10 women have suffered decreased libido. Men have been able to enjoy the benefits of Viagra and Levitra for years now. It’s about time modern science treated women’s lack of desire for sex as seriously as curing cancer or reversing global warming.
Here at Timony Enterprises, Inc., we take decreased female libido seriously. That’s why, after weeks of exhaustive (but pleasurable) research, Timony Enterprises is proud to announce the development of the first treatment that effectively increases female sex drive, The Spanish Fly Kit. What’s more, you can get it without a prescription! (Our CEO claims that if we had invented the Kit sooner, he wouldn’t have divorced his wife of 18 years for a 23-year old former Miss Oklahoma.)
The Spanish Fly Kit is a series of products that, when used in conjunction, will turn any woman from a cold fish into a wild jungle cat. Every kit contains:
• A 4 oz. bottle of “Sex on the Beach” – A potent, yet fruity, alcoholic concoction
• A short romance model with a long-haired, barrel-chested guy on the cover
• A packet of special tingling “personal” lubricant, to be applied just prior to penetration
The man has a role in increasing the woman’s libido as well. That’s why each Spanish Fly Kit also contains:
• A wet nap covered in musky cologne
• A laminated card full of useful phrases – phrases include “I care about your feelings,” and “You are much better looking than your sister.”
Don’t spend another sexless night watching Jay Leno. Order Timony Enterprises’ Spanish Fly Kit Today!
Studies have shown that as many as four in 10 women have suffered decreased libido. Men have been able to enjoy the benefits of Viagra and Levitra for years now. It’s about time modern science treated women’s lack of desire for sex as seriously as curing cancer or reversing global warming.
Here at Timony Enterprises, Inc., we take decreased female libido seriously. That’s why, after weeks of exhaustive (but pleasurable) research, Timony Enterprises is proud to announce the development of the first treatment that effectively increases female sex drive, The Spanish Fly Kit. What’s more, you can get it without a prescription! (Our CEO claims that if we had invented the Kit sooner, he wouldn’t have divorced his wife of 18 years for a 23-year old former Miss Oklahoma.)
The Spanish Fly Kit is a series of products that, when used in conjunction, will turn any woman from a cold fish into a wild jungle cat. Every kit contains:
• A 4 oz. bottle of “Sex on the Beach” – A potent, yet fruity, alcoholic concoction
• A short romance model with a long-haired, barrel-chested guy on the cover
• A packet of special tingling “personal” lubricant, to be applied just prior to penetration
The man has a role in increasing the woman’s libido as well. That’s why each Spanish Fly Kit also contains:
• A wet nap covered in musky cologne
• A laminated card full of useful phrases – phrases include “I care about your feelings,” and “You are much better looking than your sister.”
Don’t spend another sexless night watching Jay Leno. Order Timony Enterprises’ Spanish Fly Kit Today!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Don't Take Advice from Maxim Magazine
It amazes me the ease with which assholes are able to get women. I am a nice guy who treats women with respect and find myself single all the time. Sure, I’m nothing special to look at and find something witty to say in conversation the day after the conversation took place, but I have seen guys uglier and more socially clumsy than me get women.
Something needed to change, but what? I was reading Maxim magazine where I saw two articles that changed my life. The first talked about how women are attracted to men who court danger. (That’s why men in prison get so much fanmail.) The other talked about an illegal sport with chapters all across the country – motorcycle polo. There are usually hundreds of spectators at the matches, including adoring young women. I had a motorcycle and the need for adoring young women. This seemed like the perfect match.
After some internet searching and several assurances that I was not a cop, I was in. For the next two months, I spent all of my free time at the training facility practicing passing a ball with a mallet while riding on a motorcycle. I was a natural.
The crowd at my first match was large, with more attractive women than at a sorority hay ride. I knew I could impress the babes with my prowess in the face of danger. When the match started, I was cruising for the ball when an opponent managed to smack me in the jaw with his mallet, causing me to crumble in a heap of pain a gushing blood.
I was rushed to the hospital where, six surgeries later, I look like Quasimodo. I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life. Guess I should get some cats.
Something needed to change, but what? I was reading Maxim magazine where I saw two articles that changed my life. The first talked about how women are attracted to men who court danger. (That’s why men in prison get so much fanmail.) The other talked about an illegal sport with chapters all across the country – motorcycle polo. There are usually hundreds of spectators at the matches, including adoring young women. I had a motorcycle and the need for adoring young women. This seemed like the perfect match.
After some internet searching and several assurances that I was not a cop, I was in. For the next two months, I spent all of my free time at the training facility practicing passing a ball with a mallet while riding on a motorcycle. I was a natural.
The crowd at my first match was large, with more attractive women than at a sorority hay ride. I knew I could impress the babes with my prowess in the face of danger. When the match started, I was cruising for the ball when an opponent managed to smack me in the jaw with his mallet, causing me to crumble in a heap of pain a gushing blood.
I was rushed to the hospital where, six surgeries later, I look like Quasimodo. I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life. Guess I should get some cats.
Monday, June 14, 2010
How the US Thwarted al-Qaida
Announcer: If it seems as though al-Qaida has been quiet lately, some members of US intelligence think that this is expected. NPR’s Janet Reiser has the story.
Janet Reiser: Although we’ve seen some terrorist activities attempted by lone gunmen on Western targets, it has been over six years since al-Qaida has had a successful attack. Some military experts attribute this to the success of the anti-terrorist campaign of the US. Others claim that al-Qaida has evolved into a less centralized operation. Now the US Army’s secret Counter-Terrorism Intelligence Division or CTID is taking credit.
Anonymous Source: The CTID was set up as the Army’s attempt to think outside of the box. Rather than fill the group with military experts, the CTID contains intellectuals and artists in an attempt to find new and novel ways to bring down al-Qaida’s leadership….
JR: …stated a CTID member who asked that his name not be revealed. The CTID launched Operation Imagine after the Madrid train bombings in 2004 The CTID member we spoke to believes that Operation Imagine is responsible for preventing further attacks.
AS: One member saw the John Lennon documentary “Imagine” where Lennon claims he was inspired to write “Imagine” after having a good bowel movement that day. Intelligence shows that al-Qaida’s leadership suffers from chronic diarrhea from drinking untreated water in the tribal regions of Pakistan. Since 2004, we have been able to infiltrate their food supply and fortify it with fiber. We believe that improved bowel movements have made al-Qaida less ornery thereby making them less likely to strike at Western targets.
JR: When asked why the CTID didn’t just poison al-Qaida’s food, the source said that the CTID does not condone murder. The CTID is currently working to weaken North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. Janet Reiser, NPR news.
Janet Reiser: Although we’ve seen some terrorist activities attempted by lone gunmen on Western targets, it has been over six years since al-Qaida has had a successful attack. Some military experts attribute this to the success of the anti-terrorist campaign of the US. Others claim that al-Qaida has evolved into a less centralized operation. Now the US Army’s secret Counter-Terrorism Intelligence Division or CTID is taking credit.
Anonymous Source: The CTID was set up as the Army’s attempt to think outside of the box. Rather than fill the group with military experts, the CTID contains intellectuals and artists in an attempt to find new and novel ways to bring down al-Qaida’s leadership….
JR: …stated a CTID member who asked that his name not be revealed. The CTID launched Operation Imagine after the Madrid train bombings in 2004 The CTID member we spoke to believes that Operation Imagine is responsible for preventing further attacks.
AS: One member saw the John Lennon documentary “Imagine” where Lennon claims he was inspired to write “Imagine” after having a good bowel movement that day. Intelligence shows that al-Qaida’s leadership suffers from chronic diarrhea from drinking untreated water in the tribal regions of Pakistan. Since 2004, we have been able to infiltrate their food supply and fortify it with fiber. We believe that improved bowel movements have made al-Qaida less ornery thereby making them less likely to strike at Western targets.
JR: When asked why the CTID didn’t just poison al-Qaida’s food, the source said that the CTID does not condone murder. The CTID is currently working to weaken North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. Janet Reiser, NPR news.
Friday, June 11, 2010
The Worst College Football Player Ever
Who is the best college football player ever? Some have made the case for Vince Young, after his incredible performance in the BCS Bowl game. Others say Archie Griffin, with his unprecedented two Heisman Trophies. Still others look to old-time football legends Red Grange and Jim Thorpe.
Who is the worst college football player of all time? I’d like to make the case for me.
First, the stats – 4 seasons, 9 games, 1.5 tackles. Sure, these are horrible stats, but they only tell half of the picture. I played for Beloit College from 1999-2002. During my four years at Beloit, the team compiled a record of 1-43. I did not play during the one win, as I was attending my grandmother’s funeral.
Beloit is a division III-A school, meaning it offers no scholarships. Since the school has around 1300 students, it can be difficult for Beloit to find players for the team. During my tenure, the team featured between 18 and 26 players. The lack of roster depth meant that some players played on both offense and defense. Despite the lack of roster depth, I only played during punt and kickoff returns in blowout games.
I did manage to get 1.5 tackles. I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t deserve the half-tackle, since I merely piled on to someone who was already tackled, and the scorer inexplicably gave me a half tackle. The full tackle was all mine. The kick returner turned a corner and didn’t see me there. He ran into me and fell backwards with a concussion.
Despite my illustrious football career, I’m proud of it. I could have been the 37th worst college football player of all time. It takes a special talent to be the worst.
Who is the worst college football player of all time? I’d like to make the case for me.
First, the stats – 4 seasons, 9 games, 1.5 tackles. Sure, these are horrible stats, but they only tell half of the picture. I played for Beloit College from 1999-2002. During my four years at Beloit, the team compiled a record of 1-43. I did not play during the one win, as I was attending my grandmother’s funeral.
Beloit is a division III-A school, meaning it offers no scholarships. Since the school has around 1300 students, it can be difficult for Beloit to find players for the team. During my tenure, the team featured between 18 and 26 players. The lack of roster depth meant that some players played on both offense and defense. Despite the lack of roster depth, I only played during punt and kickoff returns in blowout games.
I did manage to get 1.5 tackles. I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t deserve the half-tackle, since I merely piled on to someone who was already tackled, and the scorer inexplicably gave me a half tackle. The full tackle was all mine. The kick returner turned a corner and didn’t see me there. He ran into me and fell backwards with a concussion.
Despite my illustrious football career, I’m proud of it. I could have been the 37th worst college football player of all time. It takes a special talent to be the worst.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The Secret Society
Secret societies are stupid. How secret can the Freemasons be if everyone knows about them?
I guess that makes me an idiot, because I belong to a secret society. Of course, the secret society I belong to doesn’t have funny robes and ritualized chanting and only requires that I attend their annual party. I can do that.
I’ve been a member of the Raymond Robinson Society for three years now. They specialize in the grotesque and peculiar. Each year the Green Man Ball gets weirder.
This year’s ball did not disappoint. To enter the ball, you needed to go through a narrow passage between two sheets of rubber. Pressed up against the opposite, unexposed sides of the rubber were several naked portly people. You could not pass through the entryway without squeezing up against some flabby flesh.
This year’s food selection included sautéed maggots with lemongrass and truffle oil, squirrel brains in skull, and something called Hardcore X. I don’t know what Hardcore X is, as the point of Hardcore X is that you are eating some sort of mystery meat. Apparently it tastes like chicken
The highlight of the evening for me was the featured cocktail – the Burgundy Shower. The “bartender” took a small amount of wine and inserted it into a bag. He then attached the bag to a catheter tube, dropped his pants, and stuck the tube up his urethra. Once he emptied the bag, he pulled out a wine glass and “peed” the drink into it. I can’t explain why, but the way that the wine mixed with what was in the guy’s bladder made the drink especially smooth and flavorful.
I can’t wait to see what they come up with next year.
I guess that makes me an idiot, because I belong to a secret society. Of course, the secret society I belong to doesn’t have funny robes and ritualized chanting and only requires that I attend their annual party. I can do that.
I’ve been a member of the Raymond Robinson Society for three years now. They specialize in the grotesque and peculiar. Each year the Green Man Ball gets weirder.
This year’s ball did not disappoint. To enter the ball, you needed to go through a narrow passage between two sheets of rubber. Pressed up against the opposite, unexposed sides of the rubber were several naked portly people. You could not pass through the entryway without squeezing up against some flabby flesh.
This year’s food selection included sautéed maggots with lemongrass and truffle oil, squirrel brains in skull, and something called Hardcore X. I don’t know what Hardcore X is, as the point of Hardcore X is that you are eating some sort of mystery meat. Apparently it tastes like chicken
The highlight of the evening for me was the featured cocktail – the Burgundy Shower. The “bartender” took a small amount of wine and inserted it into a bag. He then attached the bag to a catheter tube, dropped his pants, and stuck the tube up his urethra. Once he emptied the bag, he pulled out a wine glass and “peed” the drink into it. I can’t explain why, but the way that the wine mixed with what was in the guy’s bladder made the drink especially smooth and flavorful.
I can’t wait to see what they come up with next year.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
No Blog Today
Drinking impairs many normal activities. Well documented is alcohol’s ability to impair one’s ability to drive. Also well established but not as well understood is alcohol’s ability to make one more dangerous while operating heavy machinery. It seems to me that the weight of the machine has little bearing on its level of dangerousness. One of those big old Solid State TVs is a lot heavier than a pistol, but I would rather be around a stumbling drunk watching TV than one with a .22 in his hand. But I digress.
I have been too drunk to do many things. Sometimes I am too drunk to fuck. Frequently I am too drunk to give people good advice. (“Yeah, she’s not that unattractive. C’mon, you want to get laid. I swear you won’t regret it.”) Today is a first for me. Right now I am too drunk to blog.
The day started with my sweetie and me consuming a liquid breakfast of mimosas and Blood Marys. It then graduated to liquid lunch consisting of shots of Jagermeister. I am now too drunk to operate a can opener, let alone a keyboard. (Have you ever wondered what the “Scroll Lock” button does? Hey, the floor looks pretty comfortable over there!)
So to my reading public out there in Internetlandia, I am sorry, but there will be no blog today. Check back tomorrow when I’m sure I will write something perverted or asinine or maybe make fun of conservatives again. Until that time, go read a Blondie comic strip. We both have the same kind of humor, so it should tide you over.
Oh wait, I’m pretty close to my 300-word limit. Never mind.
I have been too drunk to do many things. Sometimes I am too drunk to fuck. Frequently I am too drunk to give people good advice. (“Yeah, she’s not that unattractive. C’mon, you want to get laid. I swear you won’t regret it.”) Today is a first for me. Right now I am too drunk to blog.
The day started with my sweetie and me consuming a liquid breakfast of mimosas and Blood Marys. It then graduated to liquid lunch consisting of shots of Jagermeister. I am now too drunk to operate a can opener, let alone a keyboard. (Have you ever wondered what the “Scroll Lock” button does? Hey, the floor looks pretty comfortable over there!)
So to my reading public out there in Internetlandia, I am sorry, but there will be no blog today. Check back tomorrow when I’m sure I will write something perverted or asinine or maybe make fun of conservatives again. Until that time, go read a Blondie comic strip. We both have the same kind of humor, so it should tide you over.
Oh wait, I’m pretty close to my 300-word limit. Never mind.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Camping Nightmares
I went camping with Shannon and my dog Alfie last weekend. On Saturday, we started with a brisk hike along the river. By the time we were finished, Shannon and I were both pretty tired, so we went back to the campsite to rest and make some lunch. Nothing goes better with ham sandwiches than beer, so we had one. Then we decided that if were drinking beer, we might as well do a shot or two of Jameson. Four beers and six shots later, lunch was finished.
Shannon was too drunk to hike, so we decided to retreat to the tent and engage in some afternoon delight. My tent is large, so we figured sex would be inconspicuous. I chained Alfie outside, and Shannon and I had a drunken fuck.
We’d been doing it for a while when I saw the shadow of what looked like an opossum pass by our tent. Alfie saw the critter too, and darted towards it, barking loudly and rapidly. Alfie’s sudden movement snapped one of the tent poles, causing the tent to cave in. Panicked, I pulled out of Shannon in a misguided attempt to fix the ten from the inside. My efforts caused the entire tent to collapse. I felt around for clothes, but all I could feel was tent canvas and occasionally the naked flesh of a giggling Shannon.
I decided that I would need to leave the tent and discreetly get some clothes from the car. As I poked my head out of the area that used to be the door of the tent, I could see a Boy Scout from the next campsite filming the incident with his iPhone. You can see the whole thing on Youtube. I’d find it all funny if it didn’t happen to me.
Shannon was too drunk to hike, so we decided to retreat to the tent and engage in some afternoon delight. My tent is large, so we figured sex would be inconspicuous. I chained Alfie outside, and Shannon and I had a drunken fuck.
We’d been doing it for a while when I saw the shadow of what looked like an opossum pass by our tent. Alfie saw the critter too, and darted towards it, barking loudly and rapidly. Alfie’s sudden movement snapped one of the tent poles, causing the tent to cave in. Panicked, I pulled out of Shannon in a misguided attempt to fix the ten from the inside. My efforts caused the entire tent to collapse. I felt around for clothes, but all I could feel was tent canvas and occasionally the naked flesh of a giggling Shannon.
I decided that I would need to leave the tent and discreetly get some clothes from the car. As I poked my head out of the area that used to be the door of the tent, I could see a Boy Scout from the next campsite filming the incident with his iPhone. You can see the whole thing on Youtube. I’d find it all funny if it didn’t happen to me.
Monday, June 7, 2010
An Important Message from BP
We here at BP take the current crisis in the Gulf of Mexico seriously. We know that accidents happen, and we are prepared for them. That’s why we’ve funded the campaigns of most of the judges in the area. An innocent mistake is no reason to see a once great company sued into bankruptcy.
Some “scientists” have complained that all of the oil in the Gulf is an environmental catastrophe. What these so-called “experts” don’t seem to understand is that we’ve never seen the Gulf full of this much oil. Oil is a natural substance. It’s entirely possible that the oil will enhance the environment, providing much needed nutrients to plant life and coating animals with a nice sheen of oil protecting them from the sun’s UV rays.
We’re lucky to have President Obama’s leadership during this difficult time. Without the equipment or know-how to stop the spill, Obama has done all he can to deal with the crisis. Still, other than the Jews, African Americans are the greatest scapegoats in modern history. (Ever see a white woman who murders her kids tell the police that an Asian guy did it?) It’s much easier to blame the mess on Obama than it would have been with our good friend George W. Bush still in the White House.
This oil spill has given BP a bad name. That’s why it’s good that we run Arco gas stations, so people who want to boycott BP may still frequent our Arco stations and not realize that they’re supporting us.
Here at BP, we realize that the oil spill in the gulf is no big deal. As long as we continue to “drill baby, drill,” we should be able to award stock dividends and large bonuses to our executives.
Some “scientists” have complained that all of the oil in the Gulf is an environmental catastrophe. What these so-called “experts” don’t seem to understand is that we’ve never seen the Gulf full of this much oil. Oil is a natural substance. It’s entirely possible that the oil will enhance the environment, providing much needed nutrients to plant life and coating animals with a nice sheen of oil protecting them from the sun’s UV rays.
We’re lucky to have President Obama’s leadership during this difficult time. Without the equipment or know-how to stop the spill, Obama has done all he can to deal with the crisis. Still, other than the Jews, African Americans are the greatest scapegoats in modern history. (Ever see a white woman who murders her kids tell the police that an Asian guy did it?) It’s much easier to blame the mess on Obama than it would have been with our good friend George W. Bush still in the White House.
This oil spill has given BP a bad name. That’s why it’s good that we run Arco gas stations, so people who want to boycott BP may still frequent our Arco stations and not realize that they’re supporting us.
Here at BP, we realize that the oil spill in the gulf is no big deal. As long as we continue to “drill baby, drill,” we should be able to award stock dividends and large bonuses to our executives.
Friday, June 4, 2010
The Death Pact
On May 31, Daniel Yu died in a one-car accident. He was 24, an accomplished programmer, a movie star (having appeared as a blurred head gawking at an impressive set of tits in a Girls Gone Wild video), and the only man I know to get a perfect score playing Freebird at the expert level on Guitar Hero. He was also my best friend and will be missed more than I can possibly comprehend right now.
During college, Dan and I made a death pact. Luckily for me, this pact does not require me to kill myself. My role, upon hearing of Dan’s death, was to quickly and quietly go to his apartment and remove potentially embarrassing items before his parents could find them. (If I died first, Dan would have done the same thing for me.) At 2:30 AM on June 1, I removed pot and smoking materials, whippits and a cracker, and most importantly Dan’s porn collection.
After the funeral, I was finally able to look at the stuff I removed from Dan’s place. I took what was left from Dan’s primo weed, put it in his bong Towlie, and huffed away. The experience choked me up in more ways than one. I then perused Dan’s porn collection. I now know why Dan was always short on money at the bar. In Dan’s short life on this planet he managed to acquire quite a collection of porn. It’s not just the volume that’s breathtaking; Dan was apparently into a lot of bizarre fetish shit too. (Did you know that some people get turned on by sneezing?) It will take me years to unwrap the twisted sexual proclivities of my fallen comrade.
Daniel, you are a brother and you will be missed. You sick, sick bastard.
During college, Dan and I made a death pact. Luckily for me, this pact does not require me to kill myself. My role, upon hearing of Dan’s death, was to quickly and quietly go to his apartment and remove potentially embarrassing items before his parents could find them. (If I died first, Dan would have done the same thing for me.) At 2:30 AM on June 1, I removed pot and smoking materials, whippits and a cracker, and most importantly Dan’s porn collection.
After the funeral, I was finally able to look at the stuff I removed from Dan’s place. I took what was left from Dan’s primo weed, put it in his bong Towlie, and huffed away. The experience choked me up in more ways than one. I then perused Dan’s porn collection. I now know why Dan was always short on money at the bar. In Dan’s short life on this planet he managed to acquire quite a collection of porn. It’s not just the volume that’s breathtaking; Dan was apparently into a lot of bizarre fetish shit too. (Did you know that some people get turned on by sneezing?) It will take me years to unwrap the twisted sexual proclivities of my fallen comrade.
Daniel, you are a brother and you will be missed. You sick, sick bastard.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Paramount Pictures' Summer Blockbuster
It’s a lot cheaper to market a movie if the movie-going public is already familiar with the subject matter. TV shows, comic books, and kids’ toys have all made the jump to the big screen in an attempt to thrill audiences and make a buck or 200,000,000. Some movies, like The Fugitive, do a pretty good job of it. Others, like Daredevil, make us wish that eye bleach is not a metaphorical product.
Hoping to make a movie closer to the $200,000,000 side of the equation, Paramount Pictures proudly presents its newest summer blockbuster – You Can’t Do That on Television. Dakota Fanning stars as a young woman who is put in front of a firing squad for a murder that she didn’t commit. Right before the executioners shoot, Fanning gets the firing squad to halt their actions. In the resulting confusion, Fanning escapes, and the captain of the firing squad is killed instead.
Fanning spends the rest of the movie as a fugitive from the law. In an attempt to capture her, the government develops a substance that, when applied to targets in large volumes, renders them unable to move. Government scientists call the substance “green slime.” After attempts to capture Fanning by green slime fail, they reconstitute the formula into foam form so that it can be hurled at targets and put the foam in a pie tin to make it easy to throw. Fanning is helped on her way by young people who pop out of lockers to give her advice, usually couched in bad puns.
If that isn’t enough, Paramount added Joe Jonas as a love interest, because girls like that sort of thing.
If You Can’t Do That on Television - The Move is a hit, Romper Room should be greenlighted for 2011.
Hoping to make a movie closer to the $200,000,000 side of the equation, Paramount Pictures proudly presents its newest summer blockbuster – You Can’t Do That on Television. Dakota Fanning stars as a young woman who is put in front of a firing squad for a murder that she didn’t commit. Right before the executioners shoot, Fanning gets the firing squad to halt their actions. In the resulting confusion, Fanning escapes, and the captain of the firing squad is killed instead.
Fanning spends the rest of the movie as a fugitive from the law. In an attempt to capture her, the government develops a substance that, when applied to targets in large volumes, renders them unable to move. Government scientists call the substance “green slime.” After attempts to capture Fanning by green slime fail, they reconstitute the formula into foam form so that it can be hurled at targets and put the foam in a pie tin to make it easy to throw. Fanning is helped on her way by young people who pop out of lockers to give her advice, usually couched in bad puns.
If that isn’t enough, Paramount added Joe Jonas as a love interest, because girls like that sort of thing.
If You Can’t Do That on Television - The Move is a hit, Romper Room should be greenlighted for 2011.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
How to Save the Newspaper Industry
The newspaper industry is obviously in decline. The newspaper used to be the primary source of news and information for the average American. It’s where people found out about the Titanic sinking, the Japanese raid on Pearl Harbor, and that Dewey defeated Truman to become the 34th President. (Oh how I long for the halcyon days of the Dewey presidency.)
Then television came about and threatened the newspaper’s supremacy. Unlike the newspaper, TV news did not need to take time to be printed, meaning it could get facts out even faster. Still, the newspaper survived because people could read it whenever they wanted. Unlike TV, the newspaper could be read on the train, at work, or while taking a giant crap. TV news and the newspaper co-existed peacefully for a while, although TV had an edge on breaking news. Through TV, most people learned of the Kennedy assassination, the moon landing, and that Gore beat Bush in the 2000 election. (Oh how I long for the halcyon days of the Gore presidency.)
With the internet, the newspaper has met its match. The internet is cheaper, gets information faster, and is more interactive than the newspaper. Unlike TV, the internet can go on the train, is available at work, and can even be accessed while passing the largest of turds.
So what does the newspaper offer that the internet can’t? Unlike the internet, a newspaper is a physical entity, i.e., paper. Ever see a homeless man try to clean a windshield with a youtube clip? How about a birdcage lined with Google ads? Can you pack fragile dishes in The Huffington Post? Of course you can’t. If America loses the newspaper, we will lose a valuable source of cheap, readily available paper.
The newspaper – news you can abuse.
Then television came about and threatened the newspaper’s supremacy. Unlike the newspaper, TV news did not need to take time to be printed, meaning it could get facts out even faster. Still, the newspaper survived because people could read it whenever they wanted. Unlike TV, the newspaper could be read on the train, at work, or while taking a giant crap. TV news and the newspaper co-existed peacefully for a while, although TV had an edge on breaking news. Through TV, most people learned of the Kennedy assassination, the moon landing, and that Gore beat Bush in the 2000 election. (Oh how I long for the halcyon days of the Gore presidency.)
With the internet, the newspaper has met its match. The internet is cheaper, gets information faster, and is more interactive than the newspaper. Unlike TV, the internet can go on the train, is available at work, and can even be accessed while passing the largest of turds.
So what does the newspaper offer that the internet can’t? Unlike the internet, a newspaper is a physical entity, i.e., paper. Ever see a homeless man try to clean a windshield with a youtube clip? How about a birdcage lined with Google ads? Can you pack fragile dishes in The Huffington Post? Of course you can’t. If America loses the newspaper, we will lose a valuable source of cheap, readily available paper.
The newspaper – news you can abuse.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Getting Ahead in Business
Finding success in business isn’t easy, especially if you enjoy spending most of your day in pajamas. Hugh Hefner does a good job of it, but he had to start out wearing pants to build his empire, only taking them off to screw some attractive model. Although model sex would be great, I’ll be satisfied if I can stay home all day in pajamas and watch the money roll in.
The key to making money is to find things that are undervalued (or temporarily undervalued) and then sell them at a higher price. The internet is a great way to accomplish this. I started my business by trolling through Craigslist finding things people were selling for less than they are worth. Although this proved to be somewhat lucrative, I spent a lot of money on gas picking up items throughout the Portland metro area. Plus, strangers generally frown upon it when you come to their door in flannel pants and a torn t-shirt.
I now have a new business model, dead celebrity memorabilia. Every day I check the news for celebrities with major illness. Dennis Hopper had inoperable prostate cancer, so I went on eBay and bought thousands of dollars worth of memorabilia – signed Easy Rider posters, the prop camera he used in Apocalypse Now, even the complete set of Topps Trading Cards for the Super Mario Bros. movie. Then Dennis Hopper died, and I can pay my rent for the next three years with the profit I made selling his memorabilia on eBay.
The only problem is that sometimes celebrities don’t die. Bret Michaels of the rock band Poison had a brain hemorrhage but recovered. However, if he fails to survive the arsenic poisoning I have planned for him next month, I should be able to buy a house.
The key to making money is to find things that are undervalued (or temporarily undervalued) and then sell them at a higher price. The internet is a great way to accomplish this. I started my business by trolling through Craigslist finding things people were selling for less than they are worth. Although this proved to be somewhat lucrative, I spent a lot of money on gas picking up items throughout the Portland metro area. Plus, strangers generally frown upon it when you come to their door in flannel pants and a torn t-shirt.
I now have a new business model, dead celebrity memorabilia. Every day I check the news for celebrities with major illness. Dennis Hopper had inoperable prostate cancer, so I went on eBay and bought thousands of dollars worth of memorabilia – signed Easy Rider posters, the prop camera he used in Apocalypse Now, even the complete set of Topps Trading Cards for the Super Mario Bros. movie. Then Dennis Hopper died, and I can pay my rent for the next three years with the profit I made selling his memorabilia on eBay.
The only problem is that sometimes celebrities don’t die. Bret Michaels of the rock band Poison had a brain hemorrhage but recovered. However, if he fails to survive the arsenic poisoning I have planned for him next month, I should be able to buy a house.
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