Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Other Stuff in the WikiLeaks Documents

The world is abuzz with the avalanche of classified information contained in the latest WikiLeaks document dump. Over 250,000 cables have been made public, and the press is busy devouring them to give us the juiciest bits. Of course, 250,000 documents is a lot to read and digest. Some of the contents are mundane or don’t do much to further our understanding of the US and its relations to the world. My crack team and I have spent hours combing the documents to bring you the highlights (or dimlights) of the least important leaked documents from WikiLeaks.

• Osama Bin Laden is a big fan of Martha Stewart. His cave is filled with paper mache ornaments and decorative gourds.
• Russian President Dmitry Medvedev claims to know a lot about Sarah Palin, since he’s flown over her state many times.
• The Saudi Royal Family is really, really rich.
• French President Nicolas Sarkozy is so vain that he thinks Carly Simon wrote a whole song just about him.
• The Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper is considered by American diplomats to be pleasant and polite. It’s also believed that he has a speech impediment, as he has trouble pronouncing the word “about” and frequently ends sentences with “eh.”
• Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych thinks that Gem is truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous.
• According to comments overheard by US diplomats, Japanese Prime Minister Naoto Kan has a very small penis. Later, it was determined that someone in the other room was watching a rerun or South Park.
• George W. Bush liked to play with green plastic army men in the Oval Office and was particularly adept at making the “phew phew” sound whenever someone used a laser.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Bring Back Literacy Tests

In the US, a “literacy test” was used in the Jim Crowe era to disenfranchise black voters in some southern states. Essentially, white poll workers could ask voters questions to determine if they had a sufficient level of literacy to vote. In practice, this meant questions that were nearly impossible to answer for most black voters while white voters got softball questions. In 1965, the Civil Rights Act outlawed literacy tests. This is unfortunate, because literacy test could really improve elections in America.

No, I am not advocating a return to the Jim Crowe system. What we should do is have a bipartisan commission come up with a list of hundreds of multiple choice questions and have each voter receive ten of them at random. If the voter is unable to get seven of the ten correct, that person’s vote won’t count.

Imagine how this would change elections. Cable news channels, instead of focusing on how the horse race will end, will offer program after program trying to educate voters to pass the literacy test. Dishonest attack ads will be replaced with ads targeting likely voters for a candidate and try to ensure that they can answer seven of ten questions. Candidates for office, instead of trying to mislead the public, would be well served trying to educate voters. Talk around the water cooler, instead of passing the latest bullshit propagated on cable news and campaign ads, would be about new factual discoveries about the state of politics and the empirical affects of recent legislation.

And the electorate would vote for candidates based on how they actually performed in office instead of how their PR people and financial backers framed the debate.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Breakup

After you’ve been with the same woman for seven years and living together for five of those years, it was particularly difficult when the relationship dissolved. Although the time was right for us to break up, there are lots of things I miss about being in a relationship. Obviously, I miss the sex, but I also miss having someone around to do something with. I don’t have the courage to go to brunch or the movies by myself.

The worst part of the breakup though was the splitting of the things we had acquired together. In the end, I gave up the LCD TV, the living room and most of the bedroom furniture, and the apartment we shared. I got the microwave, the bed, and most importantly, I got the dog Wendell. I felt that I got the better of the break. Granted, I have less stuff, but I couldn’t imagine dealing with the breakup and loneliness without having Wendell to cuddle and hang out with. I had to spend a lot on a security deposit for my new apartment and I can’t live in the cool neighborhood that I want to, but it’s worth it to have Wendell around.

After two weeks of living in my new apartment, I had to give Wendell back to my ex. Wendell’s been great, but he has an annoying tendency that I can’t live with. Every time I masturbate, Wendell stares at me. I don’t know if Wendell is driven by sexual desires, curiosity, or some strange instinctual compulsion, but his peering eyes ruin the moment. I’ll miss Wendell, but I know I’ll miss orgasm more.

Friday, November 19, 2010

My New Reality Show - Will Divide Conquers

Fashionable Amish has been gaining steadily in readership over the months, but there are still forces that are holding back its popularity. Perhaps the greatest force is the belief that I’m somehow not “genuine.” My critics have accused me of being a professional writer’s side project.

I’m eager to prove them wrong. Sarah Palin’s new reality TV show demonstrates that she’s a real Alaskan. Maybe I can prove my bonifieds with my own six-part reality TV show – Will Divide Conquers.

Episode 1 focuses on getting to know Will. You’ll see his cramped studio basement apartment with pictures of naked women on the wall. There, Will writes his blog unshaven and in his underwear. Will visits his dealer (face blurred) where he buys copious amounts of pot.

Episode 2 is my favorite. The theme to this episode is, “Can Will Divide go the whole day just smoking pot, masturbating, and eating Cheetos?” I don’t want to ruin the ending for you, but I will say chaffing is involved.

Episode 3 has Will trying to drunkenly pick up women. Needless to say, this is unsuccessful. The episode ends with Will masturbating to Hentai with a tentacle monster.

Episode 4 is a visit from Will Divide Jr. The elder Will let’s junior go on a $20 shopping spree at the 7-11. This episode contains a lot of farting and giggling.

Episode 5 has Will trying to kill all of the roaches in his apartment. Exacerbated, Will gets high and masturbates. He then writes a blog about it.

In episode 6, Will is dressed in a suit explaining that the whole series has been a ruse to establish his reputation as a legitimate blogger. Later in the episode, we find out this is all BS, and Will really is a degenerate loser.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

How to Write a TV Comedy

Writing a comedy for TV isn’t all that difficult. Take some characters that people can either relate to or find intriguing for some reason. If possible, make most of your characters single, because clumsily finding love is comedy gold and make for easy storylines. Sprinkle in some references to things that the “kids” are in to (Lady Gaga, Twitter, Facebook), and you’re well on your way.

What about plots for episodes? That’s easy too. Years of successful comedies are built on one of these hand situations.

• A character takes a drug unwittingly and acts funny, discloses something he or she shouldn’t, and/or gets in trouble because other characters don’t know that it’s the drugs making the character act funny.
• A character overhears something, misinterprets it, and takes action as if he or she heard it correctly. (In the industry, this is known as the Three’s Company plot.)
• A character gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend that everyone else realizes is terrible. Other characters try to subtly tell the newly smitten character, but this usually ends in either misunderstanding or resentment.
• A character tells a lie to make him or herself seem more important or lass of a loser. The character is later confronted with the lie, making him or her look like an even bigger loser. (In the industry, this is known as the Ricky Gervais plot.)
• A character inadvertently says something racist, sexist, homophobic, or otherwise bigoted. He or she is then confronted by the oppressed minority and concocts a defense that makes the character appear more bigoted.

At this point, you may be asking, “but what is the show about?” If you follow these plot outlines, it doesn’t matter. Keep the hijinks coming, and you too can be a successful TV comedy writer.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Wedding Announcement

After four years of dating, I finally decided to make an honest woman out of Kathryn, so I proposed. Luckily for me, she said yes! We couldn’t be happier.

I’ve always like Kathryn’s mom Carol. That is, until I became engaged to her daughter. Now Carol thinks she can dictate every aspect of our lies. Kathryn and I aren’t particularly religious. Kathryn’s friend Barry is a minister in the Church of Universal Life, which allows anyone who signs up on the internet to be a minister. I thought he would be perfect to preside over the wedding. Carol insisted that we be married in a church. So guess where we’ll be married.

Carol also demanded that we publish an engagement announcement in the newspaper. Apparently it’s family tradition to do this, although none of the family got married in the internet era. Carol says it has to be the big, three-column announcement. This cost me $1,500. Still, I know that it’s important to Kathryn that I do what her mom wants, so I saved up for a month and drained my savings to get our engagement announcement in the newspaper. After submission, it takes two weeks before the announcement is published. (Of course I put the news on Facebook for free the day that we got engaged, but that doesn’t count as a wedding announcement.)

The newspaper published our announcement yesterday. Much as Carol wanted, today we are the talk of the town. Unfortunately, it’s not for the reason that Carol would hope. Our announcement of the future union of Harold Prince and Kathryn Middleton was trumped by another engagement announcement by some similarly named people. While Prince Harry will have a royal wedding, I’m beginning to think my wedding will be a royal pain in the ass.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Michael Vick Bitten by Dogs

PHILADELPHIA, PA (AP) - NFL star quarterback Michael Vick was released from the hospital earlier this morning after receiving treatment for lacerations on his right thigh and hand that he received after being bit by several dogs, Philadelphia Eagles’ team spokesman Greg Panner announced today.

Vick, who was from federal prison in 2009 after serving a sentence for animal cruelty stemming from his involvement with a dog-fighting kennel, was walking from a friend’s home to his car when two to three dogs approached and repeatedly bit him. A neighbor who heard the commotion used a garden hose to disperse the dogs .Vick was taken to Temple University Hospital where he was treated and released.

“Vick is a strong man. He could have fought off the dogs and minimized the injury, but because of his history he thought better of it,” Panner explained. “Vick is recovering at home and is questionable for next week’s game against the Giants.”

Vick was coming off of one of the best games of his career, throwing four touchdowns and running for two more in a 59-28 victory against the Washington Redskins. After his incarceration, Vick had stayed out of trouble and was working to reestablish his reputation as a premier quarterback in the NFL.

The irony of Vick being injured by dogs was not lost on supporters of animal rights groups that have protested Vick’s return to the NFL last season. “Of course I don’t want to see anybody get hurt, but if the story has a headline of ‘Dog Bites Man,’ there is nobody more appropriate to be the subject of that story than Michael Vick,” Dan Shannon, PETA’s assistant director of campaigns said. “Last night, the dogs got their revenge.”

Monday, November 15, 2010

Buying a Mattress

While on business in Toledo, it occurred to me that my back pain was gone. I usually wake up feeling sore and stiff, but in Toledo my back felt fine. The return to normalcy was pleasantly jarring.

When I returned home, the pain resumed. It had to be the bed. My bed was only seven years old, but I could feel the springs under the pillow-top foam. It was time to buy a replacement. I’ve heard a lot of good things about memory foam mattresses. They don’t have springs, so there are no pressure points. Memory foam is supposed to be great for people with back problems as well.

I’d never slept on a memory foam mattress, so I was concerned. Would I feel comfortable enough to sleep on it? What happens when I toss and turn in my sleep? Would my girlfriend Olivia like it?

I decided to become an informed consumer. I read everything I could on the internet and determined that it seem like a good choice. My dog would even like it, and it may help me toss and turn less. Nothing would prepare me for how it actually feels though, so I took Olivia to the mattress store with me.

We sprawled out on the Serta mattress, and it felt great. The foam contorted to our bodies perfectly, providing great back support. I wasn’t sure how to have sex on a memory foam mattress. Will the lack of springiness of the mattress make sex too much of a chore? Olivia and I proceeded to test it out, but we were interrupted by the salesperson. Apparently they have a policy against having sex in the store. So I decided to buy a standard spring mattress. I don’t like back pain, but I like celibacy even less.

Friday, November 12, 2010

We Need Something Better than Democracy

Democracy is called the freest and fairest way to anoint representatives to lead people. We’ve fought wars to institute democracy to replace authoritarian and theocratic governments. While democracy is certainly preferable to authoritarianism and theocracy, it is proving itself to be a failed system itself.

There’s a paradox in democracy. In order to be fair, it insists (with exceptions for convicts and children) that every person should get one vote. At the same time, giving everyone a vote is what makes the system inherently unfair.

People vote for candidates because they are attractive. They vote for candidates because they remember them from sports, TV, and movies. Some people vote based on information they saw in a commercial paid for by persons unknown. There are people who vote for a candidate who holds views that the voter doesn’t share just because they want change or hope. Some people vote for candidates that promise to cut the deficit and taxes, even though these acts contradict each other. There are people who will vote for a candidate because he drives a pickup truck, or because he claims to be so rich that he doesn’t need the position. Some people even vote for a candidate because of his name.

I follow politics closely. I can tell you the major tenants of the health care law, the stimulus, and financial regulation. I know how the filibuster and cloture work. I can name the last three Speakers of the House. Yet, despite my advanced knowledge of issues, candidates, and politics, my vote counts the same as the yahoos I mentioned above.

It’s about time the smart political scientist got together and devised a new system. Democracy is broken.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

For White Dudes

There’s a movie coming out Friday called “For Colored Girls.” It’s described as a poetic explanation of what it’s like to be of color and a woman in this world. I’m guessing that they don’t include the mundane aspects of being a colored woman in the world, such as sleeping and pooping. For all our differences as people, everybody poops.

I’m glad this movie is coming out, because it means someone may finally produce my screenplay for “For White Dudes.” I feel it’s important because what it means to be a white man in the world is so infrequently explored. Here’s a brief synopsis.

Four white guys are sitting in a bar watching a football game. They all cheer their favorite players, all of whom are black. After downing a few Budweisers, they leave the bar victorious. A black man approaches them for directions, and the white guys run away scared.

One white guy then walks into an office for a job interview. He’s is obviously underqualified, but the white guy interviewing him hires him anyway. The interviewer then tells the room full of applicants (white women and minorities) that they can go, the position is filled.

Another white guy goes with his girlfriend to a club. He dances poorly but thinks he’s great. He takes his girlfriend home where they engage in 30 seconds of sex accomplished with his penis that’s the size of a AA battery. Then he sleeps.

Another white guy goes to his job at the bank, where he denies loan requests to anyone who isn’t a white guy.

The last white guy is a cop. He goes around harassing minorities and confiscating drugs, which he promptly uses when no one is looking.

Just another day in white male America. It should be a classic.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Facebook Friends

So here I am minding my own business on the internet, when a message comes to me on Facebook. It’s from Lois Ramos. I don’t think I know anyone named Lois Ramos. Maybe she’s a long-forgotten ex-high school classmate or someone I used to work with in the grocery store. The message itself offered no clues. It merely said “hi” and ended with a smiley face emoticon.

The picture of Lois Ramos on the message was one of those generic Facebook silhouettes, so I decided to check out Ms. Ramos’ profile to see if I recognized the picture. There I found a private Facebook account. That’s understandable in this day and age of internet identity theft. The privacy is not what stood out to me most though. Ms. Ramos had now posted a profile picture. There she was in bed – pretty, young, blonde, and completely naked! Now I’m thinking I don’t know who Lois Ramos is, but I want to!

I befriended Lois Ramos. Her Facebook profile said I should go to a website if I wanted to see more pictures of her and meet her personally. Of course I want to meet the beautiful Ms. Ramos, so I went to her website, where I gave her my email address.

That was four days ago. I still have not heard back from Ms. Ramos. Now my email is filled with spam wanting me to buy watches and enlarge my penis. I’m beginning to think that Ms. Ramos isn’t real and that it was all just a scam to get my email address.

It’s not all bad, though. One of the emails I received is from this young woman named Marina who is beautiful and wants to chat with me. Maybe she’s local and we can meet!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Great Plane Lottery

I’m on a plane, heading for a long flight across the country. The plane looks like it will be full, but it may have a few open seats. I’m in the isle seat, and a guy approaches me to occupy the window seat. I get up to allow him to sit, conversing with the minimal amount of talking and eye contact possible.

This leads to the great plane lottery. The lottery establishes how the middle seat in the row will determine my level of enjoyment on the flight. If I’m a big winner, the middle seat will remain unoccupied. I will be able to stretch my legs and may be able to catch a little sleep. If I’m the big loser, an obese, sweaty man will occupy the middle seat who will use the flight to sell me life insurance or convert me to Mormonism or tell me in exhausting detail about his antique flour container collection.

Then there are degrees in between. Slightly better than the sweaty man is the old woman who frequently uses the phrase, “back in my day.” I used to think that the next best thing to having an empty seat next to me on the plane is to have an attractive woman who I could flirt with and maybe convince to join me in the mile-high club. Then I realized that I don’t live in a porn movie. Women don’t fly across country hoping to hook up in a tiny bathroom with a dumpy guy who farts every time the pressure changes.

If the middle seat has to be occupied, let it be filled by some quiet, thin man who smells neutral and doesn’t seem to care about my farts. Also, he has a bladder of steel and never needs to use the bathroom.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Art Brut

People who know me well know that I like to play pranks. The larger the audience, the better. I especially love conning a whole group of people, which is called culture jamming. Other pranksters like the Yes Men or Joey Scaggs do it to further a cause such as pointing out corporate hypocrisy or media culpability. I just like fucking with people.

I just turned 70, and it’s important to me to finally reveal my greatest prank before I die. I can now tell the world that I am the Philadelphia Wireman.

First some background. The artistic world is always looking for the newest thing. Unsatisfied with people that study art in universities, the artistic world turned to outsider art, essentially untrained artists that made art for the sheer joy of doing it. Outsider art made by simple folk generated the most interest, leading to frenzied interest in the work of the deaf and probably autistic James Charles Castle and the 10,000+ page novel and drawings by janitor Henry Darger.

The Philadelphia Wireman story says that an art student found over 1000 sculptures made of wire and garbage in a box next to a dumpster outside of a Philadelphia transient home in 1982. The artist is believed to have died, and the sculptures, assumed to be his life’s work, were discarded by staff. They are now featured prominently in some of the finest galleries in the world.

The truth is my late wife and I spent a year haphazardly putting together these sculptures, finishing several each day, and the art student was a friend of our son who was in on it. There was no transient. The prank was easy and fun. And in the end, this prank was more artistic than anything that the Philadelphia Wireman created.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Googling Will Divide

At some point, everyone should Google themselves. In addition to finding out what there is to say about you personally on the internet, you can also find out what other people with your name may be up to.

Google Will Divide, and you won’t find me until the 37th link, which goes to show you that I’m not very popular. Most of the links ahead of me are about how you can buy property without having to purchase the full tract of land. There’s also a doctor based out of Oklahoma who apparently offers free proctology exams for the poor, which sounds both very generous and somewhat creepy.

Then there’s this one link about a guy name Will K. Divide from Boston who lived in the 19th Century. He apparently killed a bunch of kids before the cops could catch and execute him. He went by the cool name of the Boston Orphan Strangler.

There is this one website called reefermadness.com that has the story of a teenager named Will Divide. He lived in Kansas City in the 1930s and was found menacing in downtown while apparently delusional from smoking marijuana cigarettes. The cops shot him to death before he could menace some more.

My favorite though is the wikipedia entry on Will Divide. He apparently helped the Nazis during World War II even though he was gay. He was no subversive; Divide kept his homosexuality a secret because he believed in the cause. Although Will was not directly responsible for the killing of Jews, he did set up concentration camps. Reports are that his concentration camps were the best decorated in the whole Nazi camp system.

I’m just a simple blogger. As you can see, I have a lot to live up to.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Craigslist Ad - M4W - Honesty Is the Best Policy

I think that honesty is very important in a relationship. That’s why I should point out now that I have a big penis. Some men claim to have a big penis, but mine is especially large. When erect, the head easily goes past my belly button. And it’s got some girth to it too. It’s about the same circumference as a can of Red Bull. I have to wear loose-fitting jeans because if I don’t my penis is both very noticeable and very uncomfortable.

Look, I’m not saying this because I think women will fall all over themselves to sleep with me. I firmly believe that sex will come in time. When that time comes, I don’t want the woman that I am with to be surprised. Think about how horrible it would be if I’m in the moment with a woman who interests me. We get naked and she sees what I’m packing and is scared by it. That’s unfair to everyone.

I also know that some women don’t care for large penises. I get it, it can be painful having all of that manhood inside of you. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, not painful. It’s no fun for me either trying to unsuccessfully cram my erect penis into a vagina that won’t stretch to fit it. That’s no fun for anyone.

At this point in most personal ads, you should post about yourself, what you look like, hobbies, pets, musical preferences, career, etc. I don’t feel the need to do that. Look, I have a large penis. Porn stars are jealous of me. I can carry your hanging laundry from the dryer to your bedroom with it. Isn’t that enough?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Rated R Movies, By Will Divide, Jr., Age 10

What is it about women’s boobies that make them turn a movie into a rated R movie? I have boobies. When I go to a pool, I don’t wear a shirt, and parents don’t seem to care. Babies get milk from their mom’s boobies. Apparently, it’s okay to see boobies as a baby, not ok to see them when you’re my age, and ok to see them again once you’re 18. Why is that? Does the sight of boobies at age 10 make you go crazy or turn into a witch?

Last spring while staying at my dad’s apartment, I found a bunch of pictures of naked women on his computer. Seeing those pictures didn’t turn me into a crazy person or a witch. The only thing I could tell from the pictures is that women’s boobies get bigger when they get older. This makes sense. Feet get bigger when you get older, so why shouldn’t boobies? They can show girls naked feet all the time in movies, but if they show a booby, the movie is rated R.

This makes me really mad. The movie could have a really cool explosion, or it could have some guy getting killed and his brains and skull spray all over the place. I want to see that stuff. The same movie has naked boobies in it, and suddenly it’s not allowed.

Even worse is swear words. Do you think I don’t know what they are? Do you think I don’t listen to Li’l Wayne? Do you think I don’t swear when talking to my friend Jimmy? I know all the swears and what they mean, so let’s stop pretending I don’t and let me watch an R rated movie with swears and boobies.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Restoring Sanity

All throughout the land, sanity was restored. Harsh partisans whose venom is spewed on cable TV, droplets of spit collecting on the camera, toned down their rhetoric, calmly and rationally explaining themselves. Political operatives put down the signs and stopped screaming, preferring to calmly text their opinions to those who care to listen, expletive-free. Tea partiers decided that rather than bluntly force their views on people, they would invite people over for tea. And not just any tea. Good tea, not just Lipton but Earl Grey and even chamomile. Those that thought Bush was responsible for 9/11 calmly reviewed empirical evidence and determined that in fact it was Al Qaida responsible for the catastrophe. Their signs ended up in the recycling bin.

It was a glorious day throughout the country. People realized that the end of days wasn’t coming. It became evident that no matter who held the levers of power, those people were uninterested in handing the country over to economic oblivion, totalitarianism, or Muslim extremists. Gay people felt comfortable to be out in public. The war on Christmas officially ended. (We won!) It was ok to be a witch, masturbate, or eat arugula. Peaceful Muslims built mosques, and no one seemed to care (except the peaceful Muslims, who were happy. Also, the guys who work construction and got paid.)

No, John Stewart and Steven Colbert, despite their best efforts, did not succeed in restoring sanity. Instead, the election finally came. As a result, the political advertising stopped. No longer did we have to hear about people being bad for schools/jobs/morals. Now we can go back to hearing about the newest burrito available from Taco Bell and how fuel efficient the new Toyota is. And the country got back to normal.