Everyone has one special ability

In the movie Boogie Nights, Mark Wahlberg’s character determines that everyone has one special ability. For him, it was sex. For James Cameron, it’s directing movies that are ridiculously expensive to make but break box office records. For 19 year-old Adam Forrester of St. Charles, Missouri, it’s the ability to cook McDonald’s hamburgers faster than anyone in the world. For David Beckham, it’s the ability to be the perfect male model. (His soccer skills are merely a nice bonus). I too have a special ability; however, unlike James Cameron’s ability to generate millions of dollars or even Adam Forrester’s ability to make $7.45 per hour, my ability is quite worthless.

You see, I can look at any inflatable object and tell you exactly how many pounds of air pressure are in it, within 1 PSI. It’s no fun having your special ability trumped by a $3 impulse buy at the car wash. Friends generally don’t like it when you tell them that the tires on their bicycle are under-inflated. I can’t even watch the NBA any more, what with their flagrant disregard for the rules by consistently over-inflating the basketballs. Luckily for me, I make a passable high school history teacher; otherwise, you might see me holding a sign on the highway exit ramp: “Will determine your car’s correct tire pressure for food.”

“Ben Franklin Was Cool” By Will Divide, Jr., Age 9

Ben Franklin was cool. He wrote stuff, put out fires, and told the French what to do. He also invented lots of stuff. Some of the stuff that Franklin invented is bifocals, electricity, the Franklin stove, and the $100 bill. If he lived longer, he could have invented the airplane, the TV, the internet, and the Franklin time machine. Instead, Al Gore invented it. Ben Franklin could have invented a $1000 bill or a $1,000,000,000 bill, but $100 was worth more those days. Ben Franklin wore puffy pants with high socks. Even though he had funny pants, he still had 150 bastard kids by having sex. When I grow up, I want to have 150 bastard kids by having sex. (Don’t be mad at me because I am using the word “bastard” but not as a swear word.) Ben Franklin was the first head of the post office. People needed post offices back then because email hadn’t been invented yet. Ben Franklin helped start the city of Philadelphia. I’ve been to Philadelphia and wish he didn’t do that.

In conclusion, Ben Franklin was cool. It’s no wonder why rappers are always talking about him.

Letter to syndicated sex advice columnist Dan Savage

I am 25 year old heterosexual male. I currently live with an old college friend I’ll call Steve. Steve and I have a good friendship. In college, the brothers in our fraternity at the University of Oregon were well known for sleeping with lots of women. Of all the brothers, Steve was perhaps the most notorious. These days when we’re not working we play basketball together, pick up women at bars, and watch sports on TV. We also like to drink beers, smoke pot, and watch porn together. It’s good for laughs. A couple of months ago, Steve bought a sex doll. After watching porn, we would try some of the more “advanced” techniques on the doll, figuring we could impress the women we bed with our new skills. The past couple of times that we’ve watched porn, we ditched the sex doll and just performed the “advanced” techniques on each other, pretending that Steve’s ass is a pussy.

Does this make me gay? It’s not like we were watching gay porn or anything.

-Confused

Amazon.com customer review of EFORCITY VGA to S-Video / RCA Adaptor

4 stars out of 5
I recently purchased a 41” Sharp 1080p LCD TV, but I could not connect my laptop to it because it only has a VGA output. This adaptor is a godsend. Despite the increase in picture size, the picture quality is near HD, the colors are vibrant, and the refresh is undetectable. Watching streaming videos on the large TV more than justifies the cost of the product.

I cannot give the product five stars though. A couple of weeks ago, I used the adaptor to connect my laptop to the TV to enjoy one of my favorite leisure activities – watching midget porn. I’d been doing this for a couple of hours when I got a knock on the door. After clumsily putting my pants on, stopping the video, and doing whatever I could to cause my erection to subside, I opened the door. It was the police! Apparently, while my neighbor was doing yard work, she got an obstructed view of my TV. Seeing a large man and small woman in coitus, she assumed I must be watching kiddie porn and called 911. As a result, my laptop has been confiscated as evidence (they let me keep the adaptor!), and I may need to get a lawyer.

They need to put a warning label on the adaptor. It should say something like, “do not use this product to view porn where others can see it, unless the other person is likely to be turned on by it and have sex with you.” Until they put on this warning label, the adaptor only gets four stars from me.

I hate George Clooney

I never understood why some women find him attractive. To me, he always looks smug, like he knows he’s better than you. Would anybody know his name if he didn’t come from a famous family? Those family connections gave him a big head start over everyone else trying to make it. And listen to the guy in interviews. He’s always pushing some sort of cause or other. Look, people would still be donating to the Red Cross on behalf of Haitian earthquake victims whether you got involved or not. So just shut up. When he’s not pushing his causes, he’s trying to defend the crap he’s done. Most interviewers fawn over him and let him get away without answering tough questions. Loser. The last decade would have been better off had he never been born.

Wait. Did I say I hate George Clooney? I meant that I hate George W. Bush. Sorry.

Craigslist ad: M4W - I’m a catch – 35, PDX

At least my mom says that I am a catch. She has refined tastes so I defer to her judgment on these things. She prefers the Pizza Hut lunch buffet over McDonalds’ combo lunch. That’s just how sophisticated she is. Although I do not work, it’s only because I have not been hired at my desired profession – video game tester. I live with a roommate. My roommate is my mom. It’s not that I couldn’t live with someone else; it’s just that I haven’t found a roommate as good as my mom. If I could find a roommate that would make me food, clean my room, and do my laundry, I’d probably live with that person, if my mom were ok with it. My hobbies include World of Warcraft, eating, watching professional wrestling, masturbating, and drinking vodka in my room until I pass out (although not all of those things at the same time. Ha ha!). I know that looks are important to some women, and I don’t disappoint in that department. I’m 5’5”, weigh just over 200 lbs., and although I don’t have a lot of hair on my head, I make up for it by keeping the remaining hair long.

I’m looking for a woman under 25, at least 5’9”, under 115 lbs., with blond hair and at least a C breast cup. She should be able to pay for stuff, because I can’t. Eye color unimportant.

Jon Bon Jovi is a liar, and I can prove it

Jon Bon Jovi is a liar, and I can prove it. Back in 1985, I was dating a girl named Heather. She was really into Judas Priest. What’s more, her parents were friends with the owners of the company that supplies pennants and shit at Trailblazer games, so somehow she finagled two second row, center stage tickets for Judas Priest at the Memorial Coliseum. I was more of a Steve Miller and Tom Petty fan in those days, but being a good boyfriend, I agreed to go to the concert.

Judas Priest had two opening acts, a local Portland band that I forget and Bon Jovi. They were shit. Although guitarist Richie Sambora looked to be rocking out, Jon Bon Jovi was lackluster, as if he were just going through the motions before getting on the bus to Seattle or Vancouver or wherever the hell they were headed. And I’m sure Jon saw us there in the second row, as Heather dressed like a skank as she usually did at rock shows, and her impressive rack tends to grab a peep from every man in a 10-mile radius.

Fast forward to 1986. Bon Jovi release their record-breaking hit album “Slippery When Wet” featuring the song “Wanted Dead or Alive”. Now there’s no way for me to know if Jon Bon Jovi has seen a million faces. To prove that, I would need to have followed him throughout his entire life with some sort of hand clicker counter thing that counts to a million. That’s impossible. I do know that Jon Bon Jovi did not rock every face he has seen. He’s seen my face, and it was decidedly non-rocked. Fucking liar.

How to smoke banana peels

I’ve seen more than one place on the internet where they claim that smoking banana peels to get a buzz is a bogus urban myth. Whenever I see claims like this, I have to laugh, as I have been enjoying smoking banana peels for years. The kick is phenomenal, and it makes you feel as though you can take on anything.

The first step to experience the bliss that comes from smoking banana peels is selecting the proper banana. It should be ripe so that no green is visible while at the same time not being so ripe as to have brown spots. Peel the banana so that the white, sausage-shaped fruit is removed. You can either eat the fruit or discard it. Next, take a fork and scrape the white insides of the peel so that you are left with the leathery skin. Leave the skin out overnight on a plate with the inner skin facing up. The next day, the skin should be brown and leathery. Using a fork, score the inside of the skin so that there are deep groves. Lightly coat the inside skin with a layer of salt and a healthy dusting of PCP. Then chop it up, put it in your pipe and smoke it. If you start to think that you are the antichrist, discontinue use immediately.

I spilled a beer

I spilled a beer. Luckily, I somehow managed to return the bottle upright before all of its contents found its way onto the hardwood floor. Scanning what was available within arm’s reach, I discovered a roll of toilet paper that was serving as a cheap Kleenex replacement. I ripped off several sheets and clumsily dabbed at the puddle, quickly saturating the paper and doing little to retard the progress of the spreading puddle. A second, fatter wad of toilet paper proved equally ineffective. As the puddle spread larger, it started to approach a set of books stored upright on the floor. Seeing this eminent damage, I resigned to take the unappealing step I was hoping to avoid – I would have to take my fingers out of her pussy and find a towel.

Note on a breakroom refrigerator

Note on a breakroom refrigerator:

To the person who keeps taking my Ensure Diet Shakes,

Congratulations on deciding to lose weight. I personally know that dieting requires steely commitment, so my heart goes out to you for being able to take on this retched challenge. Believe me, when I go to the refrigerator after starving myself for the entire morning only to find that my last shake is gone, the temptation to have the vending machine Doritos and beef jerky $1.85 combo plate is very strong.

One of the biggest obstacles to successful dieting is perseverance. It can take weeks to have any noticeable effect, and impatient people tend to fall off the wagon. I don’t want to let this happen to you, so instead of the normal six-pack that we usually share, this pack contains only five regular cans. Although the sixth can looks like all the rest, it has been sitting in the back of my hatchback for the last two weeks. If Momma’s warnings and ninth-grade biology count for anything, that special can should give its consumer a wicked case of Botchulism. With all of the projectile vomiting and acidic, runny BMs you’ll be doing, you won’t have time (much less desire) to eat, thereby accelerating the weight loss process. I do this as a personal favor to you.

You’re welcome.